However Honorable

I found myself pleading with Jesus this morning. Reading over my morning prayer, I can count at least ten times in which I stated "I want." Then Jesus met me in this sermon: All I finally want.

DJ starts by saying things Paul probably also wanted: a good meal, to be out of prison, to be with his friends again... all genuine requests and understandable. Later on, he says but "Christ plus anything, however honorable robs us of joy in him." However honorable, whatever else we want is not Christ himself. It will not satisfy. It will not find us. It will not allow us to be found in it. It does not desire my fullness of joy. Nothing else offers me death to live now and eternally. Everything else asks me to live differently or be different in order to enjoy life until death.

After listening, I found myself asking: Do I actually believe that he wants me to know the fullness of his joy in him? And if I believe his words, do I actually believe he is good enough to allow me to experience what he says? Am I so confident in who Christ is that I am willing to press on, to run hard and fast though weary, forgetting what lies behind and striving forward to what lies ahead, because I want to know Jesus? However honorable my desires, do I choose to instead not offer my good intentions and receive what he is already offering me? Even if I don't believe it to be better, do I trust him enough that all I need is in him and he is not letting go?

If I answer honestly, I would say my response is fickle. There are moments when I absolutely resound in yes, and other when saying yes seems like the actual hardest thing to do. But then we get to point five. Why do we have to know Christ in his suffering? Because we have no choice. It is the only way to experience the resurrection life. I paused the sermon after DJ said this line, "Jesus knows we will not put our full confidence in him unless and until the deeply rooted desire to live independently of him is crucified and buried." I paused it and began to thank the Lord for knowing me so well. Being found and known feels refreshing and in many ways gives life. Thank you Father that you will not stop until my need for independence from you is not just dead, but buried. Thank you Jesus that you love me so fully, so wholly to show me my need for dependence in you. Thank you Spirit that you don't just show me, but you promise to be with me always and will not walk away or let go. Thank you Lord that all that i finally want is what you allow me to have: Yourself.