I've lost the vision.

Hey team,

I feel as if I have come full circle since my last post. Which was wayy too long ago. I am actually in my room in SF this time contemplating my life decisions recently. I have now caught up on the sermons, a few in a row and a few multiple times.

This last month or so that I have been on winter break, I have made a lot of decisions. And now that I have listened to the sermon on Functional Atheism. I am so convicted.

I have decided to go to nursing school! Yes, it is exciting but I fear I haven't been as prayerful about it as I should have. I am double enrolled at City College and USF this semester. Also I graduate this May. Yeahhh I'm not sure what I was thinking. Honestly, I laugh at it. I love when DJ says we do this because we know deep down that it contradicts our own abilities and at the same time we don't trust that God is powerful enough. #typicalkenzie #Iusuallycryactually

Which leads me to holding on to the side of the pool that DJ mentions, (or back to my last post) holding on to my suitcase full of the worldly things I fix my eyes on, full of my should have and shouldn't haves.

I have lost the vision. I am impatient with God's timing, I am trying to help Him fulfill His promises for me and I am acting without consulting Him.

I sound like the best team mate right?? **laughs**

"My business degree doesn't feel right to me and I have always felt drawn to nursing so that's what I am doing now." That was my honest logic. It's culturally normal. It's not illegal to change directions or majors. Everyone else defines who they are by their occupation which means I have to too right? If I don't take matters into my own hands nothing is going to go as it should. Just like Sara, it was culturally acceptable to give her maid to her husband.  Or just like when I decide to drink too much. Or lay around all day and watch Netflix. Again, it's culturally acceptable. I'm in college, I'm of age. Everyone is doing it! Oh but at the same time I believe in the living God, I go to church and volunteer in the kid's ministry..... aye aye aye...

Justifying, justifying, justifying.

These should haves and shouldn't haves cause me to cling both arms to the side of the pool skirting God's free flowing mercies and grace, almost to the point of climbing out and moving on with my F. A lifestyle.  I get paralyzed by my decisions and my lack of consulting the true Counselor and my lack of trusting the true Provider. The only one that is truly always with me. He doesn't need any help. He doesn't need my help. I don't want to discredit what the Lord has provided me with thus far or think that none of this has been of His doing but I want to believe in him and trust him and let him take the lead in this dance. I just need to cooperate. How do I do that?

I have decided against new year resolutions and instead I have opted for new day resolutions.
(cheesy I know...) Each day I am going to answer Jesus' knock, ask Him to teach me how to pray, believe it when I say amen and surrender my suitcase and never stop looking at Him.

p.s. I am praying and thinking about you guys always.

Thanks guys!!

- Kenzie