keep your eye on the ball

I’ve been avoiding this post because I didn’t want to actually think and write about letting go. I’m feeling convicted of pushing things away and trying not to think about them instead of letting them go because that always seems easier at first. However I fail to realize that at some point or another I will have to deal with everything eventually and in reality it is much easier to just let go initially. Waiting is just an invitation for a more difficult and painful letting go process. This reminded me of a message I heard about being obedient, and the fact that delayed obedience is just another type of disobedience. In other words, delayed obedience, or delayed letting go, isn’t actually throwing myself completely on God. It is my way of adjusting God’s call, insisting on my rights, needing to have the best, and trying to fix the should-haves.

Fix my eyes. When my vision is fixed on the Lord of the universe, I can let go. This brought me a visual back to my softball playing days. I’ve heard the phrase “keep your eye on the ball” hundreds of times. It’s the best piece of advice a coach can give as you’re stepping up to the plate. You’re standing in the box, the pitch comes, eyes are locked in on the ball, and you swing. All you have to think about is keeping your eye on the ball and rest comes naturally. You don’t have to think about how to swing a bat or what to do with your feet or anything like that. Just keep your eye on the ball and trust that you know how to do the rest. Fix my eyes on Jesus. When my vision is fixed on the Lord of the universe, I can let go and trust that he is enough and knows how to handle the rest. Just say Amen! (ties in every time) 

Beautiful Things

Hi.  My name is Nina, and I am a functional atheist.  As I listened to week 6’s sermon, I could actually feel myself physically sinking lower and lower in my posture as Darrell identified the five signs of functional atheism.  Number one: “Does not consult God about their plans.”  BAM!  Shoulders slumping.  Number two: “Makes conclusions based only on observable facts.”  BAM!  Knees giving out.  Number three: “Lets the end justify the means.”  BAM!  There go the ankles!  And so on.   I am now writing this entry lying flat on the ground.   

It is true, as Darrell points out, “It is in times of deep personal pain…disappointment and fear that we are most vulnerable to functional atheism.”  It is when I feel that sense of being passed over by God that the atheism flares in my life.  Why everyone else God, but not me?  What am I doing wrong?  Don’t you see that I am trying here?  Haven’t I waited long enough?  Aren’t you listening???  Ephesians 2:4-5 :But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions…”

I couldn’t help but think that after all the poor decisions Abraham and Sara made and after all the times I have been impatient with God and tried to help Him along, he still makes beautiful things out of us. 

All this pain

I wonder if I'll ever find my way?

I wonder if my life could really change at all?

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

 

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

 

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

 

 

 

 

Catchin' up.

Hi Team!

I just wanted to say sorry for my lack of participation these last couple weeks. I might be enjoying my vacation a little too much and pushing all real priorities to the wayside. I am on catch up mode so I will post soon!

I love you all!

Kenz

F.A.

I have listened to the F.A. sermon many times now over the years, however this time listening with my whole family I experienced a very different response.  Trying to explain and simplify DJ's message to a 7 year old, 5 year old 2.5 year old, and a 2 week old =) was more difficult than I had imagined (actually Campbell was the only one who I think understood...I mean she didn't ask any questions!!) I only had two plays: 

1. Teach my kids by exposing the F.A. in my own life. Example.... Prayer is a huge discipline in our family (Thanks to my mom). We pray every morning as a family, every time we get in the car, go somewhere, before bed, before hockey, when I am forced to go to Target, walking to school, from school... on and on I try so hard to model that discipline to my kids.  BUT...when I am agitated with the kids, agitated with Kelly, agitated with myself, hurried, tired, or disinterested prayer is the last thing I want to do. How about another example -  We will be walking to school and I will be irritated with the kids for being so slow.  I will be silent as we hurry and one of the kids will say, "Dad aren't we going to pray?" "How about you pray!" is usually my first response. What is scary is I see this same behavior play out in my kids.  Usually they all want to pray....but when they are agitated or irritated prayer is the last thing they want to do.  Kelly and I continued to try and explain F.A. by exposing it in our own lives.  This led to a real fun talk between Kelly and I when we were alone about how deep and alive F.A. is in our lives and marriage.

2. Go to the scriptures!  Much like Steve all I could think about was scripture will listening.   

1 John 2:3-6 - We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys His word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did.

Galatians 5:1- It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Romans 7:14-25a

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Week 6 - Hell's Bells Is Stupid. I'm Stupid. JESUS! Little help.....

Getting on the ski lift at Bear Valley,  the lift op was blasting Hells Bells.  

For a moment, I think I felt the sad, bewilderment of FA.  I heard the hollow, ritual ringing and thought man what would I do if some bad evil dude was coming after me to take me to that place?  

I’d pluck him with a snow ball, maybe gouge a ghoulish eye with my ski pole.  For in that moment of attack I think I’d feel like a “desperate person facing a desperate situation” who needed to “react as every action must have its source from me and my environment.”

I don’t know how to put this, but then I felt a sense of peace (AND PATIENCE – LONG LIFT LINE)…. Re do …. Then I felt a sense of peace as the words “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it” rang through me head with every peal of the bell (in the Hells Bells song."   

I asked these “peace filled” questions, “so am I trapped in hell and the gates can’t keep me there?” – that was a mildly satisfying thought.  

BUT MORE SATISFYING (not saying this is right or wrong, correct or incorrect) but FAR FAR MORE SATISFYING was the brief thought, “so I’m outside of hell and I've been invited to enter hell by Jesus and although it’s the last thing the enemy wants his ghoulish gates shall not prevail against Christ’s invasion.” 

I wondered why I was spinning so many (for me at least) inspiring thoughts about an old ridiculously vile ACDC Song UNTIL…… I listened to FA tonight.

Nothing can separate us from the Love of God and nothing can thwart or de-rail His Kingdom Come. 

Nothing Can Separate -- That was the hope I felt in the lift line.  Note: I also felt in the lift line that Hells Bells for the Christian is a theologically ridiculous song because the bad prince would never want us there in the first place, soooooo, duh? why would he be calling for us!?!  Silly....

Nothing Can Separate -- That was the hope  I felt when I contemplated the many times and ways I write another Genesis 3 and Genesis 16 “Fall” story with my inept floundering as an FA poster boy. 

On a side note -- I kept hearing these words in my head  throughout the sermon. (I'm hearing things a lot these days... maybe I should have that checked..... ANYWAY ... SIDE NOTE -- Stuff that I heard throughout the message ....

1. “WILD DONKEY” – sorry but that phrase.  Just sticks to my brain.
2. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
3. Faith with Christ is not mastering a subject but bearing witness to a pulsating, dynamic, mystery.
4. “It would be easier to capture a hurricane in shrimp net than it would be to adequately express the furious, relentless love of God.” –  Paraphrase of a Brennan Manning message I heard dozens of years ago.  

NEED

Firstly, this line by Darrell stung me to the core: "When prayer is no longer the natural reflexes of our heart, it is a sign that the disease of FA has got a hold. When we fail to begin the day by listening to the voice of God, it means that in practice we are unbelievers."  How many times do I wake up in a rush, or feeling unmotivated, or tired and simply neglect to seek God with my first breathe of air that morning?

Secondly, DJ's point about the famous phrases/songs that discuss items such as "If not now, then when? If not you, then who?" made me think as well.  I love to listen to those songs and while they may be inspiring, I understand what he means when he discusses how that demonstrates a lack of trust/faith.  I recall this phrase being thrown around at Sonshine in the past, "God doesn't need you, but he's enabling you to serve Him."  So humbling and such a great reminder from DJ about our purpose and significance in this world!

Father, humble me so immensely whereby I can learn to rely on you to the point of absolute dependency.  Humble me to the point where I realize how unnecessary/unneeded I am, and may I learn to dwell in your presence alone.

The Full Blessing!

The full blessing……Obey the call as it is! There seems to be a theme for me as I am listening to these sermons (and sermons at church and doing quiet times……yep God is clearly trying to show me something) the theme is do not try to control and to let God be God and as I hear things not assume I know the whole story and run with what I hear and "finish the story" and not allow God to move in it. I am the master spinner, sometimes God whispers something at you so that you can hear Him whisper not so that I can go run with what I think God wants me to do with it. This was in direct correlation with the idea that, "the quality of the journey is directly related to the clarity of the vision". When I choose to run with the whisper or hint of the start of a journey that God is blessing me with without the full vision I am taking control instead of trusting and resting in the truth or peace of Christ. When he talked about the vision being clear and with that we are able to let go of the side of the pool my thoughts went directly to our campers who have never been to camp and once they know what we are about and how much we care for them and their safety they are willing to venture out into the water, into the ski boat, onto the banana and through all of that experience Christ. I want to full blessing!

Week 5 – Shoulda Coulda Woulda

 

“If we want to experience the full blessing of God’s call upon our lives, we must obey the call as it is without fudging, without compromise to make it fit the visible circumstances.”     Who's got two thumbs and is guilty of watering down God’s direction and call in her life?  This gal!  When Darrell emphasized the words as it is, it hit me.  I know I have internally, subtly, and over time second-guessed, questioned, and delayed God’s direction in my life, “But Lord, this makes no sense.  How is this supposed to happen?  Do you not see my circumstances now?”  Obeying God’s call AS IT IS, in its purist call is the way.  I am, again, reminded that the biggest factor and reality in our lives is God. 

Shoulda coulda woulda…yep, I’ve said a few of those in my life.  “If I would have done ____, then things would have turned out differently.”  Thank you, Abraham, for being a living example of one who has let go of his “shouldas.”  As Darrell mentions, “Faith is also trusting all the mistakes into the mercy of God, and moving on in the journey of grace.”  Amen!

“The quality of the journey is directly related to the clarity of the vision.”   This is SO true!  When I look back on particularly difficult times of my life, I realize that my journey with God was never more intimate, strong, secure, and assured.  It was because my focus was constantly on God - listening intently, staring sharply, praying vigorously.  God was very clear to me during those times, and my journey with Him was so intense and wonderful in spite of the difficult circumstances.  The thing is, I have not wanted that incredibly clarity to exist just in times of crisis.  That clarity of vision can exist during everyday life. It is something that is built up, worked on, developed, and through discipline and focus becomes part of one’s life as though it were a breathing exercise.  In and out.  In and out – a part of who we are.   

 

 

 

But saying Amen means letting go!

I am coming in late with the last two weeks of lessons but thinking over both of them together has led me to realize a deep uneasiness that I have about letting go control of my life, despite the great assurance that God provides.

The covenant between Abram and God hinged on God - He is the one who passed through the blood of the animals, He swore on His own self to fulfill His promises - and Abram's only part in the commitment was to say Amen.  Likewise, God came down to us in human form to be sacrificed as a new covenant - and now our job is just to say Amen like Abram did.  I should be relieved by this good news, shouldn't I?  But then why when I was listening to DJs sermon did I begin to feel afraid?
Ahh yes, because saying Amen means letting go.  The covenant does not depend on us or anything we can do, but it is a promise made by God as an assurance that He will provide.  In saying Amen, saying that I believe that God will provide, I have to let go of my desire to control my own life and provide for myself.  And even just the thought of not having control over my own life makes me uneasy.
Over the last few weeks I had been under so much pressure (mainly from myself) to work and study like crazy that I sacrificed time with community and especially time with God.  It was so hard to bring myself to take time away from working, studying, or sleeping to just spend a little time with God, and I am frustrated with myself now just thinking about it.  My thinking was that I didn't have time to spend with God because I was afraid that time spent with God wasn't helpful to my cause (getting the best grades possible).  It is crazy that I deemed these things more important than time spent with my Lord and Savior, the one who promises to provide everything I need and has constructed a plan for my life far greater then I could ever imagine.

I need to let go of control over my future. (because really who am I to think I can control that or know what it should look like)
I need to let go of needing to be the best. (I won't find fulfillment in my own ability)
I need to let go of my fear of the 'should haves'. (my FOMO is hurting my trust in God)

And I need to fix my eyes on Jesus because when I seek first the kingdom of God, everything else will be taken care of according to His plan. Amen.

Week 5 - Identity and Fixing My Eyes

[feel free to listen to this while reading]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd2we03Sy4I

I feel like God pushed two different points through this message to me.
1. Tithes and Offerings = opportunity for spiritual rigor!
2. Fix my eyes e-eyes, on YOU-OO-OO!

Number One:
I haven't really tackled tithing yet personally. I have always thought that if I am responsible, wise, but am not afraid to spend money on other people, then I am being spiritually 'wise'. I will give a large amount to my church at school every once and a while, buy lunch for people etc, but have never come before God prayerfully and submitted everything to him. To be honest, my pride is taking a hit just writing that because I tend to have a pretty inflated view of myself.

[Side Note: Last night, though, my dad and I were reading a book by Tim Keller called The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, where TK explains how Paul didn't allow his ego to be inflated, he allowed it to be filled. Paul doesn't let failures and sins latch onto his identity any more than he lets successes and accomplishments. He is fatally indifferent, except for the fact that he allows Christ to fill every ounce of his being. I feel like this is just the beginning of the reshaping of my identity. Christ, fill every ounce of me!]

Back to tithing. So yes, realizing that that is not an area of my life that I have not relinquished control of hit me pretty hard. We give to set our spirits free! Why do I cling onto what is not even mine? Why do I convince myself over and over again that my security is found in what I can gather for myself? You are the one in charge, God, my security is in you! Help me live that out.

Number Two:
I couldn't help but think of how I learned about fixing my eyes on Christ last summer. My eyes tend to be in places that make sense, but definitely are not on Christ. My eyes are on Reid or other admin, my eyes are on my dad, my eyes are on our KLIFE staff, my eyes are on my friends and the advice they have to offer. All of these things make sense: they are wise people, who love Jesus and me, but ultimately, they are not Jesus. Nothing should substitute me sitting at the feet of the one who created, loved, is loving, and will love me.

As DJ said 'When your vision is filled with the sight of the Living God, the temporal is no longer 'the best'.' When my gaze in on the Creator of the Universe, vision is clear. That does not necessarily mean that decisions are easy or I automatically know what to do in every situation, but I can rest with confidence that Christ is in the center.

So to wrap it up, God started unveiling a major part of my life that as I become more independent, is important to continually submit back to him. I'm also reminded that things are not as they seem. In order to allow God to clarify my vision, I've got to have my eyes fixed on him.

I sit here just reminded that this adventure is never over. We might have seasons of ease and comfortability, but God is never done with us. And thank goodness! Thank you that you are not done with me, God!

Merry Christmas, y'all! :) hehe

Lift Up Eyes

DJ's week 5 sermon was awesome and reminded me of trust in God, just like so many of the other sermons. For me, trust has been the constant theme learning experience in all areas of my life. DJ opened my eyes when he discussed the idea of Abraham throwing himself on himself rather than throwing himself on God. So many times I throw myself on a role or a position rather than a child of the living God. Last summer I was challenged in role/performance vs. character/maturity. By throwing myself on myself, I am expressing the need to cling to an artificial position of a driver or a barney or a student, rather than a child of God pursuing friendship.

I am reminded to take the God factor into consideration and definitely not leave him out of the equation. I am not a big fan of math but it seems like in this equation, the true answer does not exist if Jesus is not factored in haha
connor + connor = :(
connor + Jesus = :)

I LOVED the pool analogy because it reminded me so clearly of the funny feeling in my stomach I got every time the houseboat was pushed off the docks. Without that push and trust in Jesus' mercy and love, the joy of swimming in the pool of God grace could be missed. Letting go of the "Should Haves" was also a huge lesson of the sermon that stuck with me. The single most important thing in life according to DJ is to fix our eyes upon Jesus and look to Him, so how can I do this when I am wrapped up and spending energy on "Should Haves"...It reminded me to enjoy the moment Christ has given each second!!

Letting go! (try not to think about the frozen song!)

This past week's sermon... what a doozie! It was super interesting hearing again about Martin Luther.  I haven't heard about him since grade school.  "Faith is throwing yourself on God." I remembered the sermon where DJ talked about Abraham throwing himself on himself.  I thought about how I felt after hearing that sermon where DJ shared about Abraham handing his wife over to Pharaoh.  But this time we hear about a time where Abraham throws himself onto God completely.  "Abraham lets go, of the things that human beings hold on to when they are throwing themselves on themselves. " 

Hearing about the things Abraham "let go" of: his rights (for the sake of right relationship), needing to have the best, and letting go of the should haves- has started separate conversations with Reid and Megan.

It made me think about all the stuff I have been holding on to and need to "let go" of.  

~ Preconceived notions about marriage- specifically simplicity (or lack there of) of devotional times and intentional conversation about Christ and individual study. 

~ The should haves about past Sonshine seasons.

~ Desire for family to accept/encourage our decision to move. 

~ Desire to have things "figured out" by now.

Father I feel like this is the tip of the iceberg of things being revealed to me. May I see where I'm not making you the main thing. May my gaze be fixed on you!

Merry Christmas guys!

Week 5 – Personal Pump Out – Lipstick Turd

One thing people don’t know about me is (I am a model train enthusiast!) – UNTRUE.

Redo – One thing people don’t know about me is every year I become more fascinated with Martin Luther.  Three things I discovered about Martin Luther this week are as follows: 1. Darrel Johsnon as a set up for Sermon 5 “Let it Go” positions Abraham as a “powerful illustration of Martin Luther’s definition of faith.” According to Darrel Johnson,  “Faith,” wrote Luther, “is throwing yourself on God.”

I was touched and inspired that Abraham doesn’t set a trap for himself in this “throwing himself of God” scenario.  He willfully steps into deeper risk and potential mayhem with His eyes on His provider.

I felt challenged by the message to acknowledge the distinction between coasting through space and time as a “peace HAVER” and wrecking comfort by entering forbidden lands as a “peace MAKER.”

Two other off topic items about Luther – When I heard the sermon I claimed to the office that Luther was a little high on using a scatological approach to theology  - meaning he liked Mikey jokes. 

I mentioned to team office that I remember in theology class that Luther once wrote, “the pope’s decretals are the devil’s extretals.” Team office kind of agreed with me but at the same time thought I was full of poop.  

I decided to research this comment by my religious studies professor and found an essay on Luther’s (I paraphrase) affection for Mikey chat.

Indeed, according to the 123 page PDF essay I referenced,  Luther did make the comment and furthermore… big surprise to me …. Apparently Luther claims (this is the third of the three things I learned about Luther) that he came up with justification by faith alone while on the toilet. He claims that it came as “knowledge the Holy Spirit gave me on the privy in the tower.” (Quoted in William Manchester, A World Lit only By Fire: The Medieval Mind and the Renaissance Little Brown & Co., 1993, p. 140.)

Point – there is a point – I think Luther’s relish for the raw, robust filth of the Mikey is a great analogy (for me at least) of the wasteland that awaits family and flocks  (using Abraham as an example) when the lover of my soul doesn’t inform my character and fill all roads (good and bad) with the glory and mystery of sacrificial, servant love through today’s lands and tomorrow’s destinations.  

In other words, without the resurrection, the life, the light, & the intimacy of the trinity, space and time for my path is an empty waste.  

I feel more aware of the insidious lipstick turd billboards that beam in my path from the Gomorrah Travel Bureau and the pretty pics from Sodom’s latest issue of Good Housekeeping.  To internalize the deception of affluent advertising a few days before Christmas was painfully refreshing in a “sickness unto death” kind of way J.  

Amen and Assurance

I want to start off by apologizing for not staying up to date on my posts. I have been struggling with tyranny of the urgent and spinning WAY too many plates which for anyone who knows me is no surprise......but something that I am continuing to work through.

I was challenged by both of these weeks of sermons. In the midst of this holiday season where clearly life had gotten away from me, I was really convicted by these messages and reflecting on my own life and relationship with Christ right now. The beauty and the impact of these messages are that often it is not a new revelation but a reminder of the simplicity of what God requires of us and desires for our lives. How easily I forget the 1 claim that God has on our lives, to say Amen, to trust Him which is directly connected to the covenant that God has made with us through Abraham, it just seems too easy. I am quick to trust myself, I am so sure that I am able to control my life and what happens in my life (just ask Jon!). The type A in me competes directly with the God of the Universe! The type A that believes is making all the moves and decisions in my life was knocked down some necessary pegs when reminded of the 1 claim. In this life and in a job where I am told the need for me to be independent and do everything,  God is so clear in his covenant with Abraham that He is the one doing all of the work, for this works based gal that is a tough pill to swallow. You mean all I have to do is rest in the power of Jesus and trust that He has "got this", that works against all that the world is telling me and yet I know without a doubt this truth,  hearing these sermons  going into this season where we are reminded of the power of Jesus is just what I needed, thank goodness God is in control of my whole life. 

How can I KNOW??

I needed to listen to week 4 a couple times for it to really soak in. I’m thankful for all of your posts that helped me to better comprehend the sermon!

The blood covenant isn't something I've spent much time thinking about or even understanding really. Something that helped me put a tangible picture to this promise is the comparison between God’s covenant with Abraham and the blood relationship between siblings. I share more genes with my brother than I do with anybody else, ever. Our blood is bound by our family connection and that is physically impossible to change. God binds himself to Abraham and his descendants (US!) through common, human blood. Nothing can change that! The blood that seals the covenant of grace IS the ultimate assurance.

Abraham asks how can I know for sure?? This is totally me. I would be asking God over and over, but how do I know? How can I be certain?! I’m so glad that God doesn't just turn to Abraham and say “because I said so.” Because he definitely could have! Instead, God is accommodating to the ways that we as humans think and understands the ideas that we can grasp. Like DJ says, what a picture of the love of God!

How can I know? At the end of listening to the sermon for the first time, each time DJ asked “How can I know ______?” I wanted to yell back “I can’t!! I can’t know! I don’t trust enough, I don’t have enough faith to know that you will be there and that you will be faithful in everything!!” But after listening a second time, I am continuing to wrap my mind around the truth of the ultimate assurance. That God really does give us, his covenant partners, ALL that he is, as long as we receive. As long as we say Amen.

The Next Step in this Journey of Faith - Letting Go

This week's sermon absolutely wrecked me. Just from reading the title my first thought was "uh-oh." And then...I listened to it twice just to make sure I was hearing the right things. God spoke to me so clearly through this message - and I'm going to try to do my best to bring you guys along in the journey I was on this week.

I'll just cut right to the chase - and then do some back-filling of my thoughts and feelings. I have heard God so clearly say to me this week, "Go from Sonshine, the ministry you love so much, the experiences you've had there, go to the place I will show you." He's asked me the question, "Are you willing to let go of Sonshine in order to hold onto me?"

This is seriously one of the hardest blog posts I have ever had to write - and one of the hardest, but also one of the most clear, decisions I have ever had to make.

Starting a few weeks ago, I started wrestling with God about this summer. (Well, let's be honest...that started more than a few weeks ago.) I started feeling like I was just trying to force this summer to happen. Like I've talked about before - it was all about what I could do to make it work. I felt like I was holding on too tightly to what I wanted. Before Nor Cal interviews I almost made the phone call to back down for the summer - but I was in too much denial about closing the door, so I continued to throw myself on myself and see if I could still make it happen. And being at interviews, around people I love, the ministry I love, made me totally suppress those feelings. I was back in, I was going to talk to my boss and figure out what this summer would look like.

And then this week happened. Darrell's sermon made all those thoughts come back - and that's when God started speaking. "You think Sonshine is your security. Sonshine is not your security. Katy, let go of everything but me. Relinquish control of the future. Are you willing to let go of Sonshine so you can hold onto nothing but me?"

And guys - He's spoken so clearly this time, that I just can't ignore it.

I sit here typing this, with tears streaming down my face, and it feels like mourning the loss of a friend. To think that for the first time in 5 years I won't be on the water this summer kills me.

Sonshine is the place where I really discovered who Jesus is. Sonshine is the place where I really discovered who I am. Sonshine is the place where I learned what true service and love looks like. Sonshine is the place where I felt invested in and cared for. Sonshine is the place where I met my best friends. Sonshine is the place that modeled to me what living a life passionate for Jesus and his Kingdom looks like.

It's hard for me to imagine right now not being in that place. The place that single-handedly (but through many different people) changed my life forever.

So right now, I hear Jesus saying these things to me. "Katy, let go. Cling to me. Lift up your eyes. Come and see. Grab onto me."

Reid talked in his post about untying the ropes of a houseboat and looking up to see petrified drivers on their way out of the 5 zone. Right now I feel like I'm untying the ropes and looking up only to realize that I'm actually on the boat, alone, watching the docks (the place I feel most comfortable) get further and further away. And I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. I don't even feel like I know how to drive the thing, much less how to navigate the waters of life.

DJ said in his sermon, we gain by letting go. And if I'm being completely honest - the only thing I'm feeling right now is loss. I can only hope, and trust, that the "gain" will someday be revealed.



Thanks for letting me journey with you guys for the last 5 weeks. There's no other group of people that I would have wanted to do it with. Love you guys a lot!

Week 4 - Shot Through the Heart!

Ugh!  Straight through the heart and in between the eyes!  Pass the tissues please!  Week 4’s sermon really hit me hard.

“This covenant hinges on Me.  I AM the one responsible for its fulfillment.  I AM its guarantee.”   My first reaction to hearing this? Relief.   I was surprised that I felt a burden lifted and a sense of lightness that I wasn’t expecting.  He is the One making this deal.  He is the One making this bet.  I just need to say AMEN!  Thank you, God, that you are God to us!  I also felt extremely cared for because God initiates with us.  He reaches down and in to us.  What a security to know that if God is this covenant's guarantee, it is secure.  I couldn’t help but note the I AM statements made here – a recent running theme God is having me pay attention to these last few weeks. 

My view and experience of communion has grown so much deeper after these last few weeks, particularly after listening to this sermon.   It is so profound.  Can we get any closer to God or experience his Good Caress, His reaching down, His touch, His promise than when we are consuming His body and drinking His blood?  I think not.  We are physically taking in this “cut” of his covenant to us. It is during these sacred times that, as Darrell puts it, we are at the feet of the covenant-maker.  

How can I know that if I should collapse under the pressures of life that you will be there to pick up the pieces and make me whole? How can I know in those moments of overwhelming darkness that your light is going to break through to me?  These “How can I know?” statements got me.  I couldn’t help but put my own “How can I knows” in there.

How can I know that your story for my life is going to work out?

How can I know that I am going to get married?

How can I know that I will have a family of my own?

How can I know that it is not too late when everything in my life is saying it is?

How can I know that you won’t leave me like this forever?

The scary thing is that when it comes to desires for my own life and how it will turn out, there are no promises.  God does not promise marriage, a family, a fulfillment of dreams, goals, and desires.  He does not.  And this is a hard, hard pill to swallow.  So what does one do? 

Well, here is what I am trying to do.  I am trying to focus on what he DOES promise.  Nina, I will always be with you.  Nina, I promise to always love you.  Nina, I promise I will never leave you. Nina, I promise your sins will be forgiven and remembered no more.  Nina, I promise to be your God.  Nina, I promise I am your guarantee.   Nina, remember it is My GRACE, My POWER, My WISDOM, My GOODNESS, and My MERCY that enfolds you and that you can lean into.  All of this belongs to you. Come, sit at My feet and be in covenant with ME.

Letting go?!?! (Ron Burgandy question voice)

Letting Go - (deep sigh) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!! (Now in my Arnold schwarzeneggar voice).

"Letting go" and 'Lift up your eyes" are those two phrases that cut me deep this week.  "Letting go" triggers a picture that all of us are very familiar with June thru September.  There I am on the docks, it is Sunday afternoon and groups have just boarded the houseboats.  I am filled with nerves, excitement, and hunger.  A driver looks out their sliding door and says, "I am all good to go!"  I smile and think to myself, "No you are not!  You don't even know how to get to Columbia without following someone!"  Yet I smile and begin to untie the stern lines.  The process of untying the lines and shoving the boat off the docks is so often a "Picture-process" (if you will) of "letting go."  I know God is ultimately in control of the Houseboat and everyone's lives on that boat.  I also know that "stuff" can go wrong in a hurry.  For the campers to experience God on houseboats I need to untie the ropes and "Let go" of my control.  "Letting Go" of the rails allows me to experience God in every aspect of the houseboat trip even if I am not directly involved with the trip!!!  But what about the trip from October - May?  What about the journey with God that happens each and everyday?  What do the ropes and rails look like at home? At the office? With my family? With my neighbors and friends?  WITH ALL MY STUFF!!!! (Truck, boat, house, hockey gear...in that order =))

Sonshine has been an incredible place that has taught me how to "Let Go!".....and I think you all might agree with me that Sonshine has been that place for you too!

"Lift up your eyes" - This phrase follows "let go" for me.  Again I take you back to the docks.  Once that boat is untied and pushed out.....I have to lift up my eyes from the ropes and cleats that once held it.  If you have been admin before you will agree that a boat tied to the docks with kids going crazy looks very different than a boat 50 feet off the docks pivoting towards the 5 zone with the sun framing it's silhouette.  "Letting go" releases the scales from our eyes to see God at work in and through our lives.  This "letting go" affirms the "Ultimate Assurance" which allows us to "Just say Amen."  The journey is "Up an Down...but always forward!" We have been "Blessed to be a blessing"  so just "let go" and "lift up your eyes".....

Merry Christmas everyone! JINGLE BAM!

Nothing but the blood...

I really grappled on what to write on from the past weeks sermon.  (So sorry this is late) There is so much packed into Chapter 15! God used DJ to wrestle into me this message about the covenant.  The tradition of sacrificing animals and walking between the bloodied halves of the animals, sealing a deal (forever). God used DJ to wrestle into me this message about the blood. How this blood was a symbol of the blood that was to be shed, the most precious blood of Jesus. God used DJ to wrestle into me this message about the blood covenant. About the God who has bound Himself to Abraham and His descendants like the blood that ties families together.  

The scene before Abraham must have been so gruesome.  Blood everywhere! Remember a few seasons ago, memorial day weekend we sang "nothing but the blood of Jesus"? As we sang that song together it was like you could use every sense to experience the blood that was covering the houseboats. The chorus of the song rang in my ears a few times while listening to this sermon this past week.  As DJ shares, covenants are usually between 2  parties, the animals are cut in 2 and the parties walk together between the bloody carcass.  Again, blood everywhere! When DJ said the phrase "Did you realize Abraham was a bystander?" I had a Keanu Reeves moment of… WOAH?!? (from his 1991 critically acclaimed film "Point Break").  Nothing of Abraham guarantees the covenant?! WOAH?!? (from "The Matrix" 1999, "The Matrix Reloaded" 2003 and "The Matrix Revolutions" 2003)  God was the one making the covenant! It is "on" God to uphold His end to the covenant. WOAH?!? (basically from every Keanu Reeves movie from 1984-2016)

1.    What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

o    Refrain:
Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Click to see the entire lyrics.

Looking forward to hearing this weeks sermon!

" A reality which under-girds the totality of life"

A heifer, a ram, a turtle dove, a goat, and a "young" pigeon all walk into a bar?!?!! No wait... are all lying on the ground!  What a bizarre scene indeed!

This scene of 2 rows of dead animals sawed in half with the ground drenched in blood stands at the heart of the Old Testament understanding of the nature and character of God?  And strangely enough this bizarre scene stands at the heart of the New Testament understanding of the nature and character of God?

I know we all listened to last weeks sermon so I am not going to repeat a lot of it, but the two sentences above just blew me away!  I spent most of the week and plane flight to and from LA meditating on this scene.  Steve and I talked about "what ifs" and "whys" of the cross and how every little Minuit detail done by Old Testament Priests and Kings all found a thread of meaning in the cross.

I encourage you this week while listening to "Letting go" to meditate on the bizarre scene.  Be a spectator to God walking down the isles of sawed in two animals.  Maybe even shout out an "Amen- God!"  Let your mind see the cross AND WORSHIP!

You hear me!

Man I needed this this week.
I have never been one to get overwhelmed or stressed out because of school, but this semester I have seen it happen more and more. Especially this week, during finals, when I feel like I have so much to do, all of my friends are home and together, and I keep crying out God, change my heart! Help me work for you and not for myself, I know that your burden is light.

I keep asking him for comfort and guidance and to have sovereignty in my life, and yet I still don't completely believe that his promise is true. That doubt creeps back in, along with the stress and exhaustion.

The reminder that his covenant is real, that his blood was poured out on my behalf, that I can live freely because he kept his promise, absolutely revived me.
I'm sitting here in the TCU library about to go take a final that I 'should have' studied for the last 30 minutes, but instead God said "Rest". So I turned on DJ's sermon and got wrecked.

God thank you that in the pit of my sin when I cry out for mercy, you hear me, love me, and forget. Thank you that you are victorious over this whole earth, and that each day is a day closer to your Kingdom. Thank you that you have put me on this campus to openly wrestle with performance and trying to manufacture my own security, so that you can show others the peace that is found in you. Thank you for continuing to use me despite how much I reject and betray you. Thank you for your mercy and grace!

The Story of Bill

On Saturday afternoon, around 1:30 PM, I was walking through my apartment complex to grab by mail and saw a man struggling to carry some items into an apartment.  Naturally, I asked him if I could assist him.  We carried the items into the house.  I thought that’s all he had until he asked if I could help him carry something else into the apartment from a UHaul.  I walked over to find a truck packed with stuff.  The gentleman shared with me that he was helping this elderly lady move in after her grandsons had forced her out of their home.  Anyway, I helped him carry the items into the apartment.  Along the way, we chatted and got onto the topic of Jesus.  He started going on and on about His passion for the Lord. 

Long story short and feeling bad for this man and for the elderly woman, and since finals were over and I had nothing going on, I felt tugged to help them out.  We traveled over to the woman’s storage unit and I continued to help the gentleman, Bill, load furniture into the truck. We went back to the apartment complex and unloaded the furniture.  It was about 5:30 PM by this time.  Everything had been unloaded and I was about to head back home when Bill and Chris, the elderly lady, insisted that they take me to dinner for helping.  I told them it was not big deal (I mean, seriously…) but they persisted.  On the way over to a city called Kemah, about 30-40 minutes Southeast of Houston, Bill was playing some worship music that has inspired Him over the years.  He then began to shuffle through some CDs he had and found a sermon/message he had shared with the congregation of the church he attends.  He began to play it, but about 5 minutes in stopped, and told me he couldn’t let me hear his testimony.  So, he took out the CD.  However, within about two minutes, he decided he was going to share it with me.

He explained that when he was seventeen, a non-Christian man, living in Northern Houston, he had two children with a young lady.  When his daughter was five and he was twenty-two, he split up with the lady he was seeing and had had the two daughters with.  She ended up remarrying.  Well, it turns out that the man she remarried had molested Bill’s five-year-old daughter.  Some other events perspired, but ultimately Bill found the man that had molested his daughter and he killed him.  He shared with me that he spent twenty-two years in federal prison, but at about 14-15 years into his sentence, had a miraculous change of heart that completely altered his life.  He began a faith-based dorm in the prison, whereby he led a group of fifty-six other men to come to know the Lord.  This is also where he had met Chris, the elderly lady we were helping.  She was a prison missionary and had met Bill upon starting the faith-based dorm. 

Anyway, Bill finished sharing his testimony, we had dinner, and then before we all left Bill shared this powerful prayer about reconciliation, grace, forgiveness, love, and peace.  As I listened to Darrell’s sermon all I could think about was bloodshed.  To be perfectly honest, Bill’s testimony freaked me out.  I was thinking to myself, “I just met this man.  Is he really changed? What if I say something wrong?” 

But, the blood that Bill had shed years ago had been so evidently washed by the blood of the Lamb shed even longer ago.  That fear lasted within me for a brief amount of time before realizing we all commit murder.  Maybe not in such a drastic manner, but we murder the very essence of our nature on a daily basis and negate the blood of the Lamb as significant.  We begin to shed our own blood and the blood of our brothers and sisters, discounting THE FACT that the blood has already been shed.  Bill was an example for me of a man who had begun to live His life with the realization, understanding and belief that “the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing:” that is to say; the blood has already been shed.  Step into it and be cleansed.