"You need ME more," He says.

Week two's sermon left me with this weird visual/reflection.

I am in my room in SF and I am packing to go somewhere. I have my suitcase out and I am packing up all of these things I think I need. "Engineering" my way somewhere so to speak. I'm packing innocent items; just the essentials. As I am ready to head out I feel the sense I have left something behind but at the same time I feel as if I have brought too much with me.

I rummage through my belongings making absolutely sure I have everything. Food, water, clothes, money, my phone, that guy friend to keep me company, my make-up bag, that new book I just bought to read on my journey to keep me busy. Oh and my bible I quickly shoved in the top pocket..... I think, I have everything I need.

Then I flash up to an out of body, looking down on my self, birds eye view and I sink to my knees and see Jesus.
He says you need me more than your next meal, more than that guy, more than clothes or belongings, more than distractions, more than your own life.

I feel like Abraham in the sense that he didn't seem to deliberately disobey when he brought along his belongings or even his nephew Lot. It just seems normal or comfortable to bring them along, right? Just like water and food. But when he decides to go to Egypt with the knowledge that he would be comfortable there or when he gives away Sara out of fear.... It all coincides with me bringing money, because I am distrusting that God will provide. Me bringing my phone because I don't believe He will keep me safe. Bringing a guy with me because I don't have faith in His plans for me. Bringing my make-up and a book to distract me from life because I am so insecure in who God has made me to be, his beloved and worthy enough. I deliberately disobey and like Molly said, I try and make my fears and what I know He has for me coexist. I put my bible in that top pocket deliberately out of the same compartment I put everything else in, in my life. Buuut technically it's all in my suitcase right?

(Does this make sense?)

So now I say SURRENDER, SURRENDER, SURRENDER and pray every time I lose hope, I will be reminded that His plans are better than my dreams. And mostly that, that "somewhere" I was going, was to my cross and truly I don't need a suitcase to go there.

Sorry guys.. getting real sappy over here! I listened to this one a few days and I have been reflecting it in such an odd way.  I am so blessed I have a place to vent and reflect. I haven't made it to sermon 3 yet. I think I'm kinda afraid of what it will reveal in my heart. haha

Sighhhhhh

Love you guys!

kenzie